This may make me sound like a horrible person ... but, after spending the last three or so days one-on-one with a sick kid, I'm so glad I'm not a stay-at-home mom. I sometimes wish I didn't have to work -- but, ideally, i think I'd actually like to have a part-time job. 

april 9th

My mom challenged me to blog every day this month -- so, of course, here it is, on the 9th, and I'm finally getting around to my first post of the month.

Derek is sick.

He's been sick since Monday night, but I didn't take him to the doctor until today and I feel a little bad about that. The doctor said there's nothing we can really do--just wait it out, let him rest and give him lots of liquids in the meantime, but I still feel guilty. Maybe, if I'd taken him to the doctor on Tuesday or even Wednesday ... who knows what would have changed? Probably nothing, but a good mom, blah, blah, blah.

I'm bored.

Derek is sick. 

I went into work late on Tuesday and I left early today because Derek was sick and, now, based on the coughing sound coming from his room, I'm guessing I'll probably miss a whole day of work tomorrow. I feel guilty about that too. Parenthood is a weird guilt-ridden game sometimes. I feel guilty for not taking time off sooner, but I also feel guilty for missing work. 

Weird, weird, whatever.

I had a billion blog post ideas earlier today, but my brain feels a little fried right now.

Derek is sick and I've been up with him every night this week--because whatever untreatable sicknes this is seems to be worst at night. I've changed wet sheets and I've cuddled and whispered to a tossing and turning boy and I've fought with a feverish three-year-old, begging him to take his medicine, I've bargained and yelled and even tried to force a single chewable table into his mouth. 

And I've done all this every night this week.

I haven't slept more than ninety minutes in a single stretch since Sunday and I'm exhausted.

I should try to sleep now. Sleep when he sleeps. Isn't that what everyone likes to say? Maybe it's not just good advice for parents of newborns. Maybe it works for parents with sick toddlers too. Is he still a toddler at three? Either way, whether he's a newborn or a toddler or some other creature altogether, the advice I'm giving myself probably won't be followed.

My mom was here for a few days and she helped me take care of the sick kiddo on Tuesday and again today. She's the reason I haven't had to miss a full day of work ... but Derek's worse now than he was on Tuesday and my mom is back in Rio Rico and Bobby's in California for a convention and everyone I know has to work tomorrow ... so I imagine I'll be calling out sick ... unless Derek wakes up feeling wonderful in the morning. I don't think it will happen, but maybe it could?

Oh, well! 

I think I'll try to sleep now after all.

monday wednesday saturday

It's Wednesday, but it's like a Monday too because Derek isn't here.

Bobby and I switched nights this month. 

It was kind of like Saturday as well--because I had the day off work. 

Today was Day 1 of the three-day suspension my boss offered me in lieu of termination. I'm sure I'll feel the punishment part of  it when I get the paycheck it affects. For now, though, it's just a gift, an extra break from a job I hate. I let Derek sleep in this morning. I hit snooze a dozen times and then, instead of rushing my sweet boy to dress and run out the door, I let him shower at his own pace (a luxuriously slow pace) and watch the end of one of Disney's Tarzan movies on Netflix. We might have spent the day like that, but I had a doctor's appointment 9.

I dropped Derek off at school almost two hours later than normal.

I went to the doctor this morning and now I'm watching "the Doctor" tonight.

Ha ha.

I'm not sick. I just thought today would be a convenient day to schedule a check-up.

After the doctor, I loaded up on groceries and cleaning supplies and rushed back home before my mom and her friend, Barbara, got here. The two of them put my living room in order faster than I could say "don't mind the mess," and then we went to lunch. I took them to the airport (big genealogy conference in Salt Lake this weekend) and came back home again.

Again and again.

Home, home, home.

It was a gorgeous day. The weather was perfect. I left the doors open and dreamed about going for a run or something exciting like that. But the HOA's been complaining so I puttered around the house and pretended to be a handyman instead. They sent Virginia a letter about my leaning fence and some loose cables on the walls outside. I tore off all the cables and, luckily, managed not to accidentally cut off my Internet service or damage anything in the process. Then I spent a huge chunk of the afternoon hammering and gluing and screwing the boards back in place on the fence. I took out the trash. I raked a little bit too and I put the tortoises out to enjoy the sun. I scrubbed my toilet and shower and I ran a load of laundry and I finally watched the last few episodes of Psych and now I've finished everything that Netflix has for Dr Who too.

What will I watch on my next Derek-free night, I wonder.

Maybe I'll read or sleep instead.

I haven't told anyone about the suspension. If anyone asked why I wasn't working today, I just said I was off. I don't know why I wrote about it here....

sleepy monday night

It's another Netflix night en la casa de mia.

Is it casa de mia or casa mia?

I could look it up, but why? It's so much easier to guess, ponder, and move on....

I'm watching Dr Who, but I'm bored with it tonight.Season 7 doesn't have the relationships or story-strength or something that I loved/liked/or just couldn't stop watching in previous seasons. We said good-bye to Amelia and Rory and a woman named Clara just dropped through the top of the Doctor's carriage and I think I might turn off the TV for the night.

But then I what will I do?

I was so so sooo very tired today. All day.

I completed a 5K yesterday morning and then I walked Derek to and from church---over five miles total for the day and we played and danced and crawled around the house---and I felt great yesterday, but I woke up achy and edgy today. Yesterday, I was impressed by my fitness. Today, I'm reminded how far I have to go.

I should run to the store, but I think I'll take a shower and crawl into bed instead.

...and now it's saturday night

I enjoyed the show tonight.

I saw Cirque de la Symphonie at the Mesa Arts Center.

It was more symphony than Cirque--there were never more than two performers onstage with the Phoenix Symphony--but it was lovely. I loved the music and I loved the dancing and the acrobatics and now I want to see a full-blown Cirque show more than ever. 

I also want to play orchestral music for Derek every day.

...and I want to find an acrobatics class where I can learn to twist and turn, bend over backwards, step over my head, and spin hula hoops with my arms and legs extended at odd angles in the air. Ha. That'll be the day. I want to be agile and muscular, but I'm chubby and saggy and sad instead. Well-padded and lazy too. And I've never even figured out how to spin a single hula hoop around my waist. I was the only kid in my kindergarten who couldn't. 

But I can dream, can't I? 

I'm determined to start exercising and to sign up for at least an hour or two of fun at the trapeze school I've passed a million times between Bobby's house and mine. Maybe I'll do it this summer. Maybe I'll wait another summer or two until Derek can do it too.

It's late night dreaming, but I've just started watching Netflix's last season of Dr Who--so I'll need something else to occupy my time soon...dreaming is a good start, I think.

I have a 5K in the morning and it's late and I'm really very tired.

Later my loves.

saturday morning

I love Saturday mornings.

It was still dark outside when a little voice called "Mommy!"

"What?" I yelled without opening my eyes.

"Would you please come lay down with me in my bed for a minute?"

"Okay," I sleepily agreed. I put on my glasses and rolled closer to the edge of my bed. I woke up again, still in my own bed, when my brother in NY texted a weather update at 7:18. I have no idea how much time had passed, but Derek was quietly asleep in his room down the hall and it wasn't quite dark outside anymore.

I puttered around the house a little and started a load of laundry. I was sitting in front of Facebook (Tribez is my current Facebook game addiction--it's not even a great game, but it wastes a little time and I enjoy sharing it with my Facebook game extraordinaire friend Skip) when the same little voice yelled "Mommy" again and followed up, word-for-word, with the same invitation to come lay down on his bed with him. I started to refuse and then I reminded myself and these invitations won't last forever. When I got to his room, though, he sat up and warned me that the bed was wet.

Oops!

We're both in the living room now and there's a pile of sheets and blankets waiting for their turn in the wash. 

I was thinking about taking him to the zoo this morning, but it's still raining a little and it's so nice to just hang out like this.

I guess we'll see what the day brings.

He's spending the night with Bobby and I'm going to a Cirque show tonight--Cirque de la Symphonie is playing in Mesa for one night and I got a balcony seat for $18 (actually $25 after all the fees) ... I hope it's fun. I still remember watching Cirque de Soleil on the Bravo channel with my mom and dad in their bedroom in Tempe. I've wanted to see one of these shows in person ever since ... but the tickets are always too expensive or the timing is off ... and this time everything is perfect and I finally have a ticket to go. I hope it's a good one!

another monday night

It's Monday night and I'm once again alone in my house, tucked into the couch with a fuzzy blanket wrapped around my feet, watching Dr Who for hours on end. The blanket is clean this time, no lurking smell of pee if I press my face into it, and I've peeled off one of my fancy gel fingernails--but everything else is the same as it was the last time I posted.

What will I do, I wonder, when I reach the end of this series? Will I start over from the beginning or will I find a new show or will I actually start spending my alone time on something more productive and worthwhile?

What would that something be, anyway?

The bosses were away in meetings last week. Before they left, my boss told me he doesn't want to fire me. It was supposed to give me hope, I guess, and it worked until today. I was late for work a week and a half ago. It was a "tardy" that put me in serious jeopardy of losing my job -- but he called me into his office and warned me that what he was about to tell me wasn't "final" yet, but he assured me that he doesn't want to fire me, that he was looking for a way to save my job. I was grateful, I am grateful, but the "not final" part worries me.

I was mostly okay last week.

I mostly put it out of my mind last week.

I started to worry again today.

The "not final" part started to haunt me and I found myself literally shaking at my desk.

I've always been a little shaky anyway.

What if? What if? What if?

There's nothing I can do. I can argue against the tardies and the tardy policy in my head all day, but what's done is done and there's nothing I can do but wait while others decide my fate.

So ...  here I am, watching Dr Who when I could be catching up on my sleep or cleaning the house or stitching the sweater with the hole at the seam or reading a book or something, almost anything, else. I like this show and yet I'm still undecided too. Have I said that before?

I've been missing my dad lately. I never stopped, of course, but I had stopped randomly crying at quiet moments and now I've started again. I read a book that I would have loved to have shared with him and the fact that I can't just brings back the starkness of his absence.

I'm a little directionless right now.

My post has no point and most of my ramblings aren't happy--but Derek and I had a pretty wonderful weekend and I'm glad for the little bits of downtime I have on Monday and Thursday nights--I miss Derek like crazy, but I like having a chance to indulge in Dr Who binges too--and maybe life can keep being good and I won't lose my job and I'll be even happier in the future.

I'll keep holding onto that hope.