I'm sitting in the foyer at church. It's quiet except for the excited shouts of babies and a general sound of shuffling while white-shirted young men pass the sacrament. I remember when those boys were my age or just a little older. I remember looking at them and thinking they were cute and hoping that one or another would get my row. I remember getting older and thinking they were babies, surprised at how young they looked. And now, with Derek as my mind's measurement, they look so big again.

Derek is with Bobby at the state fair today--which is why I'm in the foyer. 

Most of the time, I think, I almost convince myself that I'm only coming to church for Derek...but I listen to the scriptures when I'm alone in my car. Do I do that for him? And here I am without him today. I'm just not quite brave enough to walk into the chapel alone. 

Why am I so afraid to admit, even just to myself, that I might be coming back to church for myself too?

Share your faith, not your doubts. 

I heard that once and it seemed to make sense--but I'm not sure if that leaves me with anything to share. Do I have faith? Do I have a testimony? I know I have hope. I hope the gospel is true. I hope I'm not chasing a work of fiction. I hope I'll see my dad again someday. I hope someone is listening to my prayers. But maybe that's not quite right--I hope someone is listening, it's true, but I do absolutely believe in prayer. So I guess I have two things. Prayer and hope. I just hope that's enough for now. 

I've accepted a calling as a primary teacher. What will I do on the Sundays when Derek is not with me? Will I be able to face the three-year-olds without my own little boy?

how not why

When you have a child, you're probably prepared to hear "why" a lot. Everyone warns you; it's the stuff of jokes and cartoons--a little kid asking why and following up with "why" again and again until the parent is ready to scream. 

But Derek doesn't ask why, he asks how.

When we told him we were going to Disneyland, he wanted to know how we would get there, which car we would take and who would drive. Bobby told him we were taking daddy's car, but mommy would drive. Derek followed up by asking where Bobby was planning to sit. He wanted to know which road we were going to take to get to Disneyland--a funny question for a kid who doesn't know what a map is, but I tried to answer and describe the long-long drive down I-10 anyway. By the time we finally left, Derek already knew the seating arrangement in the car and he knew that we were going to drive past Charlie's house and past Mommy and Daddy's work and then we would keep driving and driving for longer than he could imagine....

Knowing how doesn't make everything okay all the time, but it makes him feel a little secure. It didn't stop him from asking if we were there yet or from whining halfway through Riverside county that we were driving too much and he just wanted to go home--but when I reminded him that I had already told him we were going to drive too much, that we were going to drive and drive until he couldn't stand it, he said, "oh, yeah" and stopped complaining for a few minutes. And when I told him that he if closed his eyes and slept for a little bit it might feel like we got there faster, he decided to try it.

He's a planner.

I have to go into work for a few hours this morning. Last night, just before he fell asleep, Derek asked how he would get to Daddy's house in the morning. I told him I would drive him. He smiled and said "good." Usually he wants to know more about the route, but that was enough last night.

It's his favorite question.

"How," for him, isn't about "how does it work" so much as a "have you thought of everything?" When Bobby donated Derek's old stroller to Goodwill yesterday, Derek got very upset and demanded to know what his dad was planning to do when Derek got tired. Bobby tried to assure him that I still have my jogging stroller, but he said Derek remained suspicious. I wasn't there, but I think their little conversation/argument ended with Derek reminding Bobby that he gets tired sometimes and Bobby doesn't like to carry him. How was he going to handle that?

It's funny to me. These are things I never worried about as a kid, things I should probably try to think about a little more often as an adult.

But it's time for me to go to work ... how will I get there on time now!? Hahaha

This may make me sound like a horrible person ... but, after spending the last three or so days one-on-one with a sick kid, I'm so glad I'm not a stay-at-home mom. I sometimes wish I didn't have to work -- but, ideally, i think I'd actually like to have a part-time job. 

april 9th

My mom challenged me to blog every day this month -- so, of course, here it is, on the 9th, and I'm finally getting around to my first post of the month.

Derek is sick.

He's been sick since Monday night, but I didn't take him to the doctor until today and I feel a little bad about that. The doctor said there's nothing we can really do--just wait it out, let him rest and give him lots of liquids in the meantime, but I still feel guilty. Maybe, if I'd taken him to the doctor on Tuesday or even Wednesday ... who knows what would have changed? Probably nothing, but a good mom, blah, blah, blah.

I'm bored.

Derek is sick. 

I went into work late on Tuesday and I left early today because Derek was sick and, now, based on the coughing sound coming from his room, I'm guessing I'll probably miss a whole day of work tomorrow. I feel guilty about that too. Parenthood is a weird guilt-ridden game sometimes. I feel guilty for not taking time off sooner, but I also feel guilty for missing work. 

Weird, weird, whatever.

I had a billion blog post ideas earlier today, but my brain feels a little fried right now.

Derek is sick and I've been up with him every night this week--because whatever untreatable sicknes this is seems to be worst at night. I've changed wet sheets and I've cuddled and whispered to a tossing and turning boy and I've fought with a feverish three-year-old, begging him to take his medicine, I've bargained and yelled and even tried to force a single chewable table into his mouth. 

And I've done all this every night this week.

I haven't slept more than ninety minutes in a single stretch since Sunday and I'm exhausted.

I should try to sleep now. Sleep when he sleeps. Isn't that what everyone likes to say? Maybe it's not just good advice for parents of newborns. Maybe it works for parents with sick toddlers too. Is he still a toddler at three? Either way, whether he's a newborn or a toddler or some other creature altogether, the advice I'm giving myself probably won't be followed.

My mom was here for a few days and she helped me take care of the sick kiddo on Tuesday and again today. She's the reason I haven't had to miss a full day of work ... but Derek's worse now than he was on Tuesday and my mom is back in Rio Rico and Bobby's in California for a convention and everyone I know has to work tomorrow ... so I imagine I'll be calling out sick ... unless Derek wakes up feeling wonderful in the morning. I don't think it will happen, but maybe it could?

Oh, well! 

I think I'll try to sleep now after all.

monday wednesday saturday

It's Wednesday, but it's like a Monday too because Derek isn't here.

Bobby and I switched nights this month. 

It was kind of like Saturday as well--because I had the day off work. 

Today was Day 1 of the three-day suspension my boss offered me in lieu of termination. I'm sure I'll feel the punishment part of  it when I get the paycheck it affects. For now, though, it's just a gift, an extra break from a job I hate. I let Derek sleep in this morning. I hit snooze a dozen times and then, instead of rushing my sweet boy to dress and run out the door, I let him shower at his own pace (a luxuriously slow pace) and watch the end of one of Disney's Tarzan movies on Netflix. We might have spent the day like that, but I had a doctor's appointment 9.

I dropped Derek off at school almost two hours later than normal.

I went to the doctor this morning and now I'm watching "the Doctor" tonight.

Ha ha.

I'm not sick. I just thought today would be a convenient day to schedule a check-up.

After the doctor, I loaded up on groceries and cleaning supplies and rushed back home before my mom and her friend, Barbara, got here. The two of them put my living room in order faster than I could say "don't mind the mess," and then we went to lunch. I took them to the airport (big genealogy conference in Salt Lake this weekend) and came back home again.

Again and again.

Home, home, home.

It was a gorgeous day. The weather was perfect. I left the doors open and dreamed about going for a run or something exciting like that. But the HOA's been complaining so I puttered around the house and pretended to be a handyman instead. They sent Virginia a letter about my leaning fence and some loose cables on the walls outside. I tore off all the cables and, luckily, managed not to accidentally cut off my Internet service or damage anything in the process. Then I spent a huge chunk of the afternoon hammering and gluing and screwing the boards back in place on the fence. I took out the trash. I raked a little bit too and I put the tortoises out to enjoy the sun. I scrubbed my toilet and shower and I ran a load of laundry and I finally watched the last few episodes of Psych and now I've finished everything that Netflix has for Dr Who too.

What will I watch on my next Derek-free night, I wonder.

Maybe I'll read or sleep instead.

I haven't told anyone about the suspension. If anyone asked why I wasn't working today, I just said I was off. I don't know why I wrote about it here....

sleepy monday night

It's another Netflix night en la casa de mia.

Is it casa de mia or casa mia?

I could look it up, but why? It's so much easier to guess, ponder, and move on....

I'm watching Dr Who, but I'm bored with it tonight.Season 7 doesn't have the relationships or story-strength or something that I loved/liked/or just couldn't stop watching in previous seasons. We said good-bye to Amelia and Rory and a woman named Clara just dropped through the top of the Doctor's carriage and I think I might turn off the TV for the night.

But then I what will I do?

I was so so sooo very tired today. All day.

I completed a 5K yesterday morning and then I walked Derek to and from church---over five miles total for the day and we played and danced and crawled around the house---and I felt great yesterday, but I woke up achy and edgy today. Yesterday, I was impressed by my fitness. Today, I'm reminded how far I have to go.

I should run to the store, but I think I'll take a shower and crawl into bed instead.

...and now it's saturday night

I enjoyed the show tonight.

I saw Cirque de la Symphonie at the Mesa Arts Center.

It was more symphony than Cirque--there were never more than two performers onstage with the Phoenix Symphony--but it was lovely. I loved the music and I loved the dancing and the acrobatics and now I want to see a full-blown Cirque show more than ever. 

I also want to play orchestral music for Derek every day.

...and I want to find an acrobatics class where I can learn to twist and turn, bend over backwards, step over my head, and spin hula hoops with my arms and legs extended at odd angles in the air. Ha. That'll be the day. I want to be agile and muscular, but I'm chubby and saggy and sad instead. Well-padded and lazy too. And I've never even figured out how to spin a single hula hoop around my waist. I was the only kid in my kindergarten who couldn't. 

But I can dream, can't I? 

I'm determined to start exercising and to sign up for at least an hour or two of fun at the trapeze school I've passed a million times between Bobby's house and mine. Maybe I'll do it this summer. Maybe I'll wait another summer or two until Derek can do it too.

It's late night dreaming, but I've just started watching Netflix's last season of Dr Who--so I'll need something else to occupy my time soon...dreaming is a good start, I think.

I have a 5K in the morning and it's late and I'm really very tired.

Later my loves.